Starting afresh is difficult - whether it is a new life, a new job or just a new blog.

You are used to many things. You are used to your crammed little desk. You are used to the food. You are used to your friends. You are used to the readers and the commentors.

And one fine day, you tell yourself - its time to change and start afresh. You pack your bags and leave. From one place to the other. From the familiar to the unknown.And you never look back.

Its like the life before never happened. Some memories remain, but thats all there is to it. You have to find your niche, yet again. You have to be a newbie, and start all over. You have to get the coffee for the rest, its like old times again. You have to take the shit, maybe just one more time.

You wonder, did I do the right thing? Why do I subject myself again and again to such tortures. When your friends ask you”why the hell do you not settle down?”, you have no answer.

Maybe its coz it seems like a challenge. Maybe its because I secretly like to subject myself to pains. Maybe its because there is sweet joy at the top of every new mountain conquered. Maybe it is just the vagaries of my chaotic mind.

Change follows me around, often uninvited. One day, change would be my constant. I already have learnt to cope with change. I even enjoy it to a large extent. But some day, I will get used to it. When change is no more a change, what would you call it?

Ok, I digressed. But then, there was no real point to this rant - thats why its called a rant. Well, pardon moi - Its just one of those them days.

Came across this interesting article at expatica by Petite Anglaise on how being bilingual means being schizophrenic. She says:

I’ve come to the conclusion that being bilingual is not just about speaking and thinking in two different languages. It’s about having two distinct personalities.

My French personality doesn’t feel quite genuine: it’s more like a mask I wear sometimes. And it gets a little uncomfortable after a few hours, rather like my contact lenses.

I probably won’t go as far as saying bilingual means schizophrenic, but I would definitely admit that one tends to have different personalities to go with each language one speaks.

I am not yet fluent enough in German or Dutch to lay claims to being a multilingual - but I regularly switch my mother tongue and English. And to me, both have equal parity and am equally comfortable in both. While Petite Anglaise knew which one was her real self, I think I am more in a muddle because I am way past the point where I know which is my real self - all I know is that the two selves are irreconcilably different.

Schizophrenia has always fascinated me - and to a certain extent, scared me. When I was younger, I used to secretly wonder if I would become a schizophrenic one day. But as I grew older, I realised that most of us have different dimensions, which often don’t reconcile. And thats not schizophrenia. It is just part of being a multi-dimensional person. Human mind, once expanded, cannot go back to its original shape. You cannot “unthink” thoughts, nor can you “unexperience” experiences. And they change us in ways we cannot imagine. And sometimes each experience pulls us in opposite directions. Living in Saudi Arabia, where I had to cover myself from head to toe, has been very different from living in the Netherlands, where gay couples are as much accepted in society as any other.

Though I think that we often associate different personalities to each language we speak, I don’t think the two are directly correlated. The different personality is a function of the different environment. For instance, if I started speaking English to my aunt, I doubt I will suddenly change the way I have always behaved with her. And if hypothetically, my colleagues could understand my language, I think I would still behave the same way as I do now. I am not sure though - I never have tried it out.

So, I guess what I trying to say is - I empathise with the article and I agree that speaking a foreign language can sometimes get uncomfortable, like wearing contact lenses or that your foreign-language self seems like a watered down version sometimes. But I believe that we all can and eventfully do, push past those. Between all those seemingly irreconcilable personalities are common threads which are uniquely our own. Or perhaps it is the confluence of such extremes in our personalities that makes them unique.

For me personally, I know there are so many things that have changed, without even me noticing them. To take an easy example, my brain processes too many details even when doing the simplest of chores - when I cross a road, do I look to the left or right first? do I call a cab or a taxi? Is 04.10.05 the 4th of October of the 10th of April? Is the ground floor 0 or 1? Not just the simple things, but I am also a lot more sensitive to people - will it be acceptable to call someone at 10pm? I think twice before dropping by someone’s home, which is so accepted elsewhere. I hesitate to call total strangers by their first names.

The more “zones” of your personality you enter the more you will feel lost. But ultimately, they will make sense as if pieces of a jig saw puzzle. I admit I am still waiting for that day, and it is perhaps the eternal optimist in me that makes me believe in that.

The ad tagline “What if the world spoke one language” ( it just slips my mind now which company has that ad, but I will update it the next time I see it on CNN) never fails to fascinate me. Really…What if the world spoke one language? How different will it be? Maybe not the language in the sense of linguistics, but I do believe that someday, we will all share the same culture. Some day, we will all be global citizens without nationalistic boundaries. Some day, we will all be just children of the earth.

Have you ever believed in signs? Have you ever thought of something as more than just a coincidence? Have you ever told yourself that something happened for a reason?

During dinner with a couple of friends last evening, the topic of discussion somehow turned to whether things happen for a reason. It was one of those topics on which I had never really decided where I stand. Partly because its convenient not to. The way I look at it, whenever its convenient for me, I invoke the things happen for a reason phrase. And at other times, I happily leave it to coincidence. So, when one of my friends firmly said that he believed that things really happen for a reason, it made me pause and reflect. If all things happened for a reason and I ignored them, I am missing valuable signs. But then, if everything happened for a reason - and you spent a whole lot of time deciphering what they meant - you pretty much wouldn’t have time for anything else, would you?

One of the most fundamental premises of logic is that something cannot both be, and not be, at the same moment. So, if something happens for a reason, it is not a mere coincidence. But how do you know which is which? And how do you know you are really interpreting the reason right? For example, if the consulate of Timbuktu denied my visa to enter the “country”, is that a matter of fate - should I take it that I should never go to Timbuktu again? But then I do believe that all things worth attaining in life never comes easy. So, should I be extra excited about my Timbuktu trip and persevere with more visits to the Timbuktu embassy. Questions, more than answers - I know. Let me make an attempt to come up with a stance on this.

The way I see it, its upto the human conscience to decide on whether things happen for a reason or not. Things happen for a reason, only when WE decide that it has happened for a reason.The human subconscious is more powerful than we often give it credit for. Subconsciously, we know the answers to questions that we seek elsewhere. But its sometimes hard to express these answers in a more tangible form, even to our own conscious selves. So, we make use of external events to externalise such thoughts. Now, if that sounded like a whole lot of bs, let me try to make that simpler - the human mind interprets some events as happening for a reason. And its often right. So, take them as they are. Believe in them, if you feel like. Ignore the rest. Because, what you feel like is very often the right path.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Allow me to introduce Dutch Diary. This is my first post. Is this blog here for a reason? Or is it one of those many things that just happen - for no reason other than being existent? Only time will tell.

For now, Welcome to Dutch Diary. And I hope you enjoy your visit.